Updated: Feb 6, 2022
I often hear from many men that they obtain their pleasure from seeing their woman in pleasure and orgasm. That they are okay with that and that they don’t have to receive as much as their woman. Although this is of course true, there are a few more things going on here that are not commonly recognised.
When men don’t receive they are cut short in their own learning of how to become a really amazing giver!
They miss out on:
Learning how to get out of their heads and how to relax into their bodies, arousal and pleasure.
Learning how to address different parts of themselves that are in need of sexual nurturance and healing.
Learning how to create the internal safety they need and feeling safe in their bodies when they are receiving.
Learning about the different qualities of receptivity eg. listening, sensing, intuiting, receiving, surrendering, feeling, acceptance, responsiveness.
Learning intimate languaging and how to articulate what it is they are feeling.
Learning how to direct and redirect their pleasure from their own body intelligence.
Learning how to build trust with their partners.
Learning how to drop out of the franticness of “doing” sex and surrendering into allowing their pleasure through their bodies.
Learning more about the art of surrender and how that gives insight and skill for when they're in a giving role with their partner.
Debunking The Old Stories
“Men’s arousal is quick and women’s arousal is slow, so therefore men don’t need to receive too much”.
This is the common conditioned narrative and yes, there is a pinch of biological truth in that statement. However, it’s definitely not the full story and doesn’t give much room for men to connect, deepen, surrender and feel the immense value of vulnerability in their receiving experience.
This is far too common a story that finds its way into longer term relationships. This usually occurs as a response to the woman starting to shut down in her availability and frequency for sex .
The woman starts giving less because the quality of sex has deteriorated through repetitive sexual habits and is no longer touching on or accessing the deeper aspects of her sexuality. The conventional approach is falling way short of her mark and the unlimitedness of what she is capable of.
She begins to feel that her man is not listening or meeting her sexually. She doesn’t have the depth of connection to her own body and/or the articulation skills to guide him into what she really longs for. So she unconsciously starts to choose a process of slow sexual shutdown and withdrawal. She begins to minimise her sexuality and stops initiating sexual encounters, placing her focus on other aspects of their relationship.
Where, when they first met, they had sex for long periods of time and often in frequency, she now wants it to be over quite quickly. She moves into enduring sex for the obligatory sake of their relationship. Her touch becomes less sensitive and lacking in her full presence. She deflects connection away from herself and offers a quick hand job or blowjob to satisfy what she thinks is his basic need.
From women I hear “he’s not listening”, “he’s not sensitive enough”, “he’s always pushing me for sex”, i feel so drained from our sex”.
The average timing for penetrative sex is now 15 minutes of pleasuring the woman and 5 minutes to finish the man.
Paradoxically, as a man starts to feel the slow shutting down of his woman, he too doesn’t have the articulation skills to navigate the situation and he starts to just “take whatever he can get”. This “taking energetic” is now accompanied with a shadow of his desperation for intimate touch and sexual connection and runs underneath his “giving”. To a woman this taking energetic compacts the feeling of sex becoming life depleting and exhausting to her.
At this point, both parties feel the obvious gap occurring in their intimacy and sex. They assume their desire for one another has waned or that they are not attracted to each other as they used to be. This is of course not true.
Sexual touch for men is an extremely important component to their overall life satisfaction.
It reinstates his purpose and gives meaning to the often repetitive and mundane tasks of life.
Take It In Turns To Receive
The significance of each person receiving equal pleasure time cannot be understated.
It doesn't mean that you both have to receive in the one sexual experience, each and every time you have sex. In fact, it’s great if you can take it in turns or alternate your giving experiences. It means that overall both parties feel that their receiving muscle is getting a work out and utilised rather than atrophied.
Exercise: Once per week, fortnight or month, create an evening or experience where you take it in turns to purely just be the receiver. This means that the “giver” is in total service to the receiver for the entirety of the experience. Book this time ahead and make it a priority. Take the time to ponder on what it is you would most like to receive. Yes, you can think about what that physically could look like, but also feel into the different qualities of what you want to receive. For example: relaxed, playful, powerful, nurtured, naughty, safe, dominated etc
Through learning how to safely surrender and become an empowered receiver, we pick up a diverse range of skills that increases our sensitivity and informs the quality of our giving.