Every man has his own unique relationship to porn that morphs and changes at different times in his life.
Like any relationship, it reflects back to us the quality of the relationship we are having with ourselves first and foremost and secondly how that influences and affects our relationships with others. It shows us where we may need to tweak or polish certain aspects and behaviours for our relationships to be healthy for us. Porn can be healthy or unhealthy depending upon our approach to it.
Porn is not Sex Education. It was never designed or manufactured for that purpose.
It’s important to understand that Porn at this point in time in history is not a Sex Education Model or System. It doesn’t give us accurate information and an understanding of how sexual energy works holistically or equip us with the connection skills in how to navigate a satisfying sexual relationship with ourselves or others.
Porn’s exponential growth since it first hit the internet in the 80’s is one of the symptoms of sexual suppression in conventional sex and not having a sex education. If we had a real, well constructed sex education, would porn still exist? Yes it definitely would, but maybe our relationship to it would be different and/or maybe the focus of porn would be different.
So what’s your unique relationship with porn? Is it life affirming or life depleting for you?
This is the important question to unpack for yourself. How do you self regulate your porn watching, so that it doesn’t become self harming and destructive? For a lot of men it’s a pretty slippery slope to manage, that twists and turns in a multitude of ways, many times throughout life.
We need to view past and current porn for what it is - head fucking. It’s a virtual simulation that's constructed, manufactured and produced for the purpose of stimulating our minds. Like a movie, the imagery, characters and storylines look and feel very real to us. Evoking a powerful range of psychological and nervous system responses that influence and shape our self beliefs and can inform our actions.
It moves us into thousands of different and unknown places where we get to experience ourselves and the diverse aspects of our humanity, that we wouldn’t otherwise experience.
There are moments in porn watching time, which I call “change points”. These are the definitive moments when the excitement & thrill transform from exhilaration and expansion over into separation, disconnection and isolation. When our sympathetic nervous system hits its over stimulation button and we've moved into nervous system overload.
When we hit that point, everything from there on in is a toxic overload, unable to be integrated into the body. These are the moments we can recognise our personal limits. That the depth of our engagement has “taken a turn” and that we’ve lost our centre or something in us has been triggered that needs deeper enquiry and integration.
Maybe we notice the drop in our energy levels and start to feel drained or negative in our approaches and outlook. Maybe we notice that we are being plagued by and hanging out in some unhealthy deep and dark recesses of comparison, shame, self judgement and self hatred. Maybe we notice hyperactivity, aggression and agitation. Maybe we start to notice our avoidance tactics developing in the ways we are connecting to our partner, work, friends or family. Maybe it’s gone so far that you're finding it difficult to feel much in your cock or your cock is no longer working how you’d like it to anymore.
Change points signify it’s time to check yourself and back off a bit, bring in an alternative approach to moving your sexual life force and create a pattern interrupt. Give yourself some space to come back home to your centre.
Here are some pattern interrupt suggestions:
Get out into nature, go for a hike, run or a surf, move your body.
Self care - have a bath or a soak in water.
Emotionally release - grunt, growl, yell, scream and shake your way through the feelings or emotions. Make sure it’s directed at an object eg. tree, ocean or pillow rather than another person.
Notice if you can, what your trigger was at the time of the energy drop. Was it a low build of over stimulation over time? Or see if you can identify which limiting belief arose at the time.
Here are some conscious porn watching tips:
Breathe fully into your chest, lungs, belly and perineum as you're watching to keep your life force circulating throughout your body and not just centralised in your mind.
Stand rather than sit at your desk. Use the whole room that you're in and move around the room as you watch.
Touch the entirety of your body rather than just focusing your touch directly on your genitals.
Allow yourself to make plenty of different types of sound that express and ampliphies what it is you are feeling in your body. Do it! Even if it just starts with a hum.
Take more breaks in between clicks.
Whilst breathing into your full torso (chest, lungs, belly & pelvic floor) practice turning away from the screen for a couple of minutes and then come back to it, keep your breath going, turn away again and repeat….. And repeat.
Bite the bullet and pay $ for good quality, ethical porn platforms, it's not that expensive. Remember there’s no such thing as a free lunch - otherwise you may just end up paying with your energy levels and your mental health.
Be smart, protect your private contact details and don't let your excitement run away with you that you are not able to notice the red flags appearing. Hackers, scammers, piracy etc
Ethical Porn
Shop around and do your research, the range in quality is massive. Do yourself a favour and make a commitment to yourself that you will not be a consumer of low grade porn.
Be a well informed and educated purchaser. Just like you would research and check out the quality of the ingredients you are choosing to purchase at the local supermarket, look at the manufacturer, their ethics and ethos for their production practices and the way they treat their staff.
Research articles and watch different interviews with your favourite actors. Listen to how they are speaking about themselves, their work, what their intentions are and where they are coming from.
1) https://erikalust.com/
2) https://makelovenotporn.tv/
3) https://brightdesire.com/
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