Say what Eve? What are you on about? Everybody knows that sex is supposed to be ssssssizzling hot and that it’s all about fiery, passionate chemistry and seduction!
The entire world and pretty much everything we consider to be sexy, is sold on the notion that the hotter sex is, the deeper, more amazing and better sex is right?
I’m not into being a buzzkill that blows out your vibe, but sexual burnout is an extremely common reality that occurs in most sexual relationships - even in the most loving of relationships. If your sex is too hot, it can be the biggest killer of your sexual drive, and intimate and sexual connection.
In the 16 years of sexuality session work, Ive literally seen thousands of individuals and couples who are a pretty typical cross section of humans, between the ages of 18 to 85, varying genders, and sexual orientations, experiencing different relationship styles and subscribing to the mainstream, conventional sex approach we’ve all inherited.
I see pretty much everyone operating beyond their sexual capacity level. There’s a huge difference between what we’ve been conditioned to believe about our sexuality and the actuality of our current stage of sexual and relational development and capacity.
Let me say this another way…
Most sexually active humans are operating beyond their sexual capacity and haven't yet built the bandwith within themselves, to hold the level of hotness they are operating at.
The sex they are having (or no longer having in many cases) is happening with way too much overstimulation and intensity for their nervous system, their emotional body, their current relationship skill set and their relationships.
How do you know if your sex is too hot?
When sex is too hot for us, our sexual tension and stress is wound up too tight.
The amount of sexual energy that we're offering and the intensity in the way we are extending it, is excessive. There is too much fire (action and intensity) and not enough air (spaciousness and relaxation). It results in many mental and physical symptoms that start to appear in our emotional body, our mental health, our relationship health and our genitals.
It’s when sexual infatuation, projections, and illusions are running high. Dependency, addictions, obsessions, and agendas for outcomes are running the show.
It’s when we become fixated and performative, possessive and over controlling with unhealthy dominating behaviours and anxious or needy sexual energy being present.
It’s when emotional overwhelm, wounding, and trauma symptoms are at their strongest, with unhealthy submissive behaviours of sexual avoidance, boundary passivity and compliance corresponding.
The hotter we get, the more our relationship to our sexual power and our sex drive (hormones) is challenged and the quicker we reach our capacity and sexual limits.
We are beyond our sexual capacity when we’ve disconnected from these main 4 areas:
1) Self Awareness:
We are unable to objectively notice and be aware of our sexual energy limits, stress levels, whats happening in our nervous system and emotional body capacity.
2) Self Attunement:
We are unable to be fully present and attuned to ourselves or our lover”s changing needs and the appropriateness of the moment and environment.
3) Self Containment:
a) We are unable to contain and regulate our sexual energy within ourselves without bulldozing, leaking, hooking, or sucking energy from others.
b) We are unable to stay grounded in our body and relaxed in our nervous system during arousal.
4) Self Regulation:
Loss of our nervous system and emotional body regulation skills, defaulting into survival strategies of fighting, avoidance, dissociation, freezing, pleasing or collapsing.
Top 10 Emotional Challenges when our sex is too hot:
Difficulty being present in the here and now moment
Difficulty in noticing changing energetics and attuning to what is required
Feeling disconnected to oneself and experiencing dissatisfaction at surface level connection
Unhealthy domination & unhealthy submission power dynamics in play
Lack of safety and trust
Fears of rejection and loss
Compaction and increase of shame and guilt
Insecurity and low self esteem
Resentment and unmet expectations
Emotional exhaustion
Top 10 Relationship Ruptures when our sex is too hot:
Communication breakdowns
Reduced intimacy and increased emotional distancing
Erosion of trust
Reduced sexual desire
Feelings of rejection and inadequacy
Escalation of conflicts
Risk of affairs
Performance anxieties and sexual pressure
Sexless relationships
Loss of mutual respect
Top 6 physical examples of sex that’s too hot for male genitals:
Early ejaculation
Erection challenges
Hyposexuality (Yes, low libido is becoming much more prevalent in men these days)
Delayed ejaculation
Hypersexuality (Sexual Addiction)
Desensitisation & Genital Numbness
Top 6 physical examples of sex that’s too hot for female genitals:
Hyposexuality (Low Libido)
Anorgasmia (Inability to orgasm)
Dyspareunia (painful intercourse)
Vaginismus (painful vaginal tightness)
Desensitisation, genital numbness
Sexual aversion disorders
Oophhhhf!!!!!
I know the reality of this is a huge blow to our egos! I know that we would all like to think we are capable, sexually open, have no boundaries or limits and we're hot AF.
It’s time to get real - everyone is pretending they’ve got a black belt in sexuality, but next to nobodies ever done the white belt training. The education that the majority of people have received and are operating on, is shame filled cultural and religious messaging of sexual suppression, basic biology and porn. It's no wonder we are living in a culture of sexual chaos and trauma.
Sobering information I know, but this reality check is way overdue.
Hot sex burns out fast!!!! and sexual burnout is a very common thing.
So what's the answer?
Learn about how sex naturally and holistically operates between the polarities of active hot sexual energy and cool receptive sexual energy. Understand that your sexual energy and your sexual connections require a range of varying sexual energetics, to be able to meet the different emotional, mental and physical needs of each lover's daily changing needs - for sex to stay sustainable, nourishing and deeply satisfying.
Increase your sexual embodiment skills through self connection, self awareness and somatic body based practices. Unlearn your conditioned sexual responses and build a deeper connection to your body through experiencing sexual arousal through a relaxed nervous system.
Practice sexual energy regulation with your lover. Notice when you or your partner have dropped out of presence with each other, look out for dissociation, shut down, freeze responses, physical sexual dysfunctions, emotional distancing and feeling drained or not met in your sexual connection.
See a professional practitioner for individual or couples sexual embodiment sessions and increase your holistic skill set and education.
For More Information - Check out the
16th Key - Sexual Tensegrity and Sexual Energy Attunement in
the book Sexual Boundaries Sexual Mastery: Limits That Set You Free
wow.... light bulb moment for boiling hot me ...
thank you so much ...
Hopefully my wife and I will be able to meet with you in the future, though living in Perth there are some obvious limitations .