Updated: Feb 6, 2022
This article was first published in the Byron Bay Body and Soul Guide at the time that the 'Me Too' movement was gaining momentum. It's an oldy but a goody.
We can thank Harvey Weinstein.
Let me be clear, by no means am I excusing his sexual predator behavior, on the contrary, but let's be honest, we currently have a world full of unchecked Harvey Weinsteins in both male & female skin suits.
The recent online social media metoo# campaign has created a public sharing phenomenon, giving thousands of victims of sexual abuse a worldwide platform to voice their long held stories and find some sense of healing empowerment in their telling.
This is a pivotal point in the timeline of our sexual history. We are experiencing something quite extraordinary, something we’ve never seen before, like the hundred monkey effect, our collective it seems, is finding our momentum and we are starting to hear some real volume to the communal calling of “That’s Enough” to sexual abuse.
So moving forward, how can we create safe, empowered sexual experiences for ourselves? What do we have to do to minimise our risk and the possibility of finding ourselves in the role of victim? And how do we successfully fan the flames of our erotic desires without extinguishing our own fire?
For the most part, feeling safe is an inside job. Taking the time to have some deeper conversations with yourself, knowing what you are available for sexually and having the communication skills to get that across clearly, are becoming essential skills for lovers.
1. INSTIGATING YOUR BOUNDARIES
Everyone loves to think they are open sexually. Ask the large majority of lovers what their boundaries are and you’ll usually be met with a blank stare and “I don’t really have any.” Meet them with a large dildo offering some serious anal work and most people start to realise that they do actually have some boundaries!
Why is it so difficult for us to have those deeper, intimate conversations with ourselves and know what our sexual boundaries are?
Boundaries are tricky, because they are continually changing every day, depending upon:
1) How we are feeling about ourselves that day & what we need or desire to honour those feelings
2) Who is in front of us
3) The degree of safety we feel with the person in front of us
4) How much we are ready to reveal about ourselves in that moment or experience.
So what questions do we need to ask ourselves, to have this inner conversation? Here are 3 effective questions....
a) What would open me in this experience?
b) What would close me in this experience?
c) What am I available for in this experience?
Knowing our answers to these questions requires us to have the awareness to check in with ourselves. Is my head, heart, feelings, emotions & genitals in alignment? What do i need for that alignment to take place?
To do this we need to be connected to our feeling (feminine) so that we can take the action required (masculine).
2. KNOW YOUR DESIRES & HOW TO ARTICULATE THEM
Finding your empowered voice and learning how to verbally express yourself to your beloved is one of the sexiest and most intimate skills to master.
In the past, “closing our eyes and hoping for the best” has been the most common unconscious approach, with random potluck chances of success. For many lovers, asking openly in detail for what they need and desire is shrouded in hesitation, awkwardness, embarrassment, shame and even not really knowing.
It’s an empowered move to be able to let your lover know where you’re open to being touched and what kind of touch is going to open you.
The latest sexuality teachings, herald a broader chapter in our education, encouraging us to dive in to the nuts and bolts exploration of our individual arousal system and erotic blueprints. Learning how you tick erotically allows you to communicate more clearly with embodied confidence.
3. NOTICE WHEN YOU OVER RIDE
Society gives us a very strong, static image of what a successful sexual man or woman should look like. That image is so embedded in our psyche, that it’s almost automatic behaviour for us to steam roll over our inner voice, in favour of the hope of attaining the societal accepted image. Our need to be accepted and looking “normal” over rides our instincts and inner compass.
We all have an inner voice that is communicating to us what we need in each & every moment. Adopting present, moment to moment awareness, allows us to listen to that voice and unfold in our sexual experiences at a pace that honours us. Ultimately, we are learning how to dance to the beat of our own unique drum.
Instigating your boundaries, knowing your desires and how to articulate them and noticing when you over ride your inner voice are fast becoming essential skills in creating empowered sexual experiences for yourself.