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New Article Published in the Byron Shire Echo February 2019

Posted on March 22, 2019 at 6:15 PM

How Did You Get Into Working As A Sex Educator?

My marital sex life was a bit of a shambles! After the regulatory honeymoon stage, my husband and I had no idea how to go any deeper with each other sexually, we just didn’t have the skills. The last 5 years was pretty much sexless, very boring and unfulfilling for both of us. I came out of that relationship thinking “There’s got to more to all of this, than what we are being told” and thus began an unquenchable thirst for studying and researching all things sexual. Here I am 15 years later, working as a Sex Educator and Relationship Counsellor, debunking old societal sexual myths and assisting clients to find a more fulfilling and authentic version of their sexual selves.


What Does Somatic Exactly Mean?

Somatic means through the body, without the influence of the mind. Somatic Sex Education offers individuals the opportunity of learning about their sexuality through connecting to their own bodies.


How Do You Work With People?

I work wholisticaly with men, women and couples in private sessions and 2 & 3 day retreats. Every session or program is tailor made to suit their individual requirements. Sessions unfold at a pace that honours where they are currently at and what they are wanting to achieve for themselves. Sessions include embodiment practices, intimacy exercises, emotional release, sex education, counselling, breath work/meditation, communication skills and sexological bodywork where appropriate.


What is the main issue with Men with Erectile Disfunction?

Medical conditions and physical impairments aside, Erectile Disfunction is largely a byproduct of our archaic conventional sex education model that obviously isn’t working for us. I’ll be discussing this topic in depth during my talk on Men’s Sexuality at the Taste of Love Festival.

 

Can They Get Erections Without Using Viagra etc?

Viagra is basically botox for the penis. It really isn’t a helpful method to get to the core of the issue and find a long term solution. A man’s age, developmental life stage, his previous and current relationship dynamics and over use of porn stimulation are contributing factors that also need to be taken into consideration. In most cases, Erectile Disfunction is a multi faceted psychological issue which can be easily remedied with a wholistic approach.


What are the stumbling blocks for Men in regards to Intimacy?

Both men and women have been entrained to meet their sexuality from a conventional hot, hard and fast model that is difficult to maintain in a relationship over longer periods of time. Men’s biggest stumbling blocks are:

1. Getting out of their minds and more present in their bodies.

2. Dropping the pressures of societal expectations in sexual performance.

3. Having the communication skills to be able to articulate and negotiate the level of safety they need, so that they are relaxed enough to feel.

 

Do Men worry about their penis size?

Probably as much as women worry about their breast size. Physical attributes concern all of us and we learn to adapt and become inventive. Great sex isn’t dependant on penis size.

 

What could a man with a small penis do to increase his confidence?

Big, small, fat, skinny, bendy to the right, bendy to the left - no matter what a man’s physicality, the best way he can increase his confidence is to take some private classes for himself, learn how to get more connected and in touch with his own body first and learn how to utilise and extend his unique energetics and sensitivity.



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3 Foundational Steps to Sexual Empowerment

Posted on April 9, 2018 at 3:25 AM

by Eve Marie as published in the Byron Bay Body & Soul Guide December 2017


We can thank Harvey Weinstein.

Let me be clear, by no means am I excusing his sexual predator behavior, on the contrary, but lets be honest, we currently have a world full of unchecked Harvey Weinsteins in both male & female skin suits.

The recent online social media metoo# campaign has created a public sharing phenomenon, giving thousands of victims of sexual abuse a worldwide platform to voice their long held stories and find some sense of healing empowerment in their telling.

This is a pivotal point in the timeline of our sexual history. We are experiencing something quite extraordinary, something we’ve never seen before, like the hundred monkey effect, our collective it seems, is finding our momentum and we are starting to hear some real volume to the communal calling of “That’s Enough” to sexual abuse.

So moving forward, how can we create safe, empowered sexual experiences for ourselves? What do we have to do to minimise our risk and the possibility of finding ourselves in the role of victim? And how do we successfully fan the flames of our erotic desires without extinguishing our own fire?

For the most part, feeling safe is an inside job. Taking the time to have some deeper conversations with yourself, knowing what you are available for sexually and having the communication skills to get that across clearly, are becoming essential skills for lovers.


1. Instigating Your Boundaries 

Everyone loves to think they are open sexually. Ask the large majority of lovers what their boundaries are and you’ll usually be met with a blank stare and “I don’t really have any.” Meet them with a big dildo asking for some serious anal work and most people start to realize that they do actually have some boundaries!

Why is it so difficult for us to have those deeper, intimate conversations with ourselves and know what our sexual boundaries are?

Boundaries are tricky, because they are continually changing every day, depending upon:

1) How we are feeling about ourselves that day & what we need or desire to honour those feelings

2) Who is in front of us

3) The degree of safety we feel with the person in front of us

4) How much we are ready to reveal about ourselves in that moment or experience.


So what questions do we need to ask ourselves, to have this inner conversation?

Here are 3 effective questions....

a) What would open me in this experience?

b) What would close me in this experience?

c) What am I available for in this experience?

Knowing our answers to these questions requires us to have the awareness to check in with ourselves. Is my head, heart, feelings, emotions & genitals in alignment? What do i need for that alignment to take place? To do this we need to be connected to our feeling (feminine) so that we can take the action required (masculine).


2. Know Your Desires & How To Articulate Them

Finding your empowered voice and learning how to verbally express yourself to your beloved is one of the sexiest and most intimate skills to master. In the past, “closing our eyes and hoping for the best” has been the most common unconscious approach, with random potluck chances of success.

For many lovers, asking openly in detail for what they need and desire is shrouded in hesitation, awkwardness, embarrassment, shame and even not really knowing. It’s an empowered move to be able to let your lover know where you’re open to being touched and what kind of touch is going to open you.

The latest sexuality teachings, herald a broader chapter in our education, encouraging us to dive in to the nuts and bolts exploration of our individual arousal system and erotic blueprints. Learning how you tick erotically allows you to communicate more clearly with embodied confidence.


3. Notice When You Over Ride

Society gives us a very strong, static image of what a successful sexual man or woman should look like. That image is so embedded in our psyche, that it’s almost automatic behavior for us to steam roll over our inner voice, in favour of the hope of attaining the societal accepted image.Our need to be accepted and looking “normal” over rides our instincts and inner compass.

We all have an inner voice that is communicating to us what we need in each & every moment. Adopting present, moment to moment awareness, allows us to listen to that voice and unfold in our sexual experiences at a pace that honours us.

Ultimately, we are learning how to dance to the beat of our own unique drum. Instigating your boundaries, knowing your desires and how to articulate them and noticing when you over ride your inner voice are fast becoming essential skills in creating empowered sexual experiences for yourself.

When we feel safe, we can relax and enjoy the journey a whole lot more. You are worthy! 

The 5 Pathways of the Perpetrator/Victim Dynamic

Posted on April 9, 2018 at 2:40 AM


The 5 PATHWAYS OF THE PERPETRATOR/VICTIM DYNAMIC

 

The theme of victimhood, boundaries and safety has been active in my life for the past 2 years, with the current METOO# movemnet it feels like an ideal time to put pen to paper and share what ive been noticing .... what ive noticed is that there seems to be 5 distinct pathways in which this dynamic plays out....

 

1) This pathway is where the perpetrator comes outta nowhere, it's a hit from what feels like the ether, there is zero warning given and the perpetrator takes what they are impulsed to do, leaving the victim with "What the fuck just happened?", Where did that come from?" and the nervous system is shaken with varying degrees of trauma experienced. The "Why Me" is unexplainable, yet we can give it many meanings.

 

2) The second pathway is where the Perpetrator uses their energetics and their words to manoeuvre the situation to suit their needs. This is the most common pathway. The perpetrator can only move forward in the situation and reflect the victims self worth standpoint. In other words, if the victim has no idea of what they are available for in the exchange, if they haven't yet had those deeper conversations with themselves of what their personal boundaries are, the experience plays out for both of their learning.

 Why is it so difficult to have that deeper conversation with self and know what our boundaries are?

Our boundaries change every day depending upon how we are feeling with ourself AND depending who is in front of us and the degree of safety we feel with that person AND how much we are ready to reveal about ourselves in that moment.

 

So what questions do we need to ask, to have this inner conversation with ourself? Here are 3 effective questions.... 

a) What would open me in this experience?

b) What would close me in this experience?

c) What am I available for in this experience? 

Knowing this requires you to have the awareness to check in with yourself. Is my head, heart, feelings, emotions & genitals in alignment? What do i need for that alignment to take place?

To do this we need to be connected to our feeling (feminine) so that we can take the action required (masculine).

 

3) This pathway is called the perpetrator/victim reversal. It is where the victim themselves becomes predatory. So, the victim is unconsciously seeking experiences for themselves, that validate their unconscious energetic and engage someone who is unconsciously willing to stand in reflection of the role of predator for them.

 

4) This is the Conscious perpetrator & victim. In this exchange, the victim is willingly and consciously offering of themselves to the perpetrator, they are instigating what their boundaries are in the moment and saying "I give full permission and I am allowing you to take your pleasure from me".

The perpetrator is saying "These are my boundaries in this moment, this is what I wish to take from you and this is my desire". Allowing and Taking are the other two quadrants, along with giving and receiving quadrants that make up the "Wheel of Consent" an invaluable tool created by Betty Martin.

 

5) This pathway is Sovereignty. This is the way of awareness, where you have integrated both your perpetrator and victim, you have taken full ownership of how this dynamic has previously operated and played out in your life and you are now able to engage in interactions from a place of self worth and reverence for yourself and all beings.

I give thanks for the perpetrator energetic that has taught me

"That I am not powerless". 

I give thanks for the victim energetic that has taught me

"That I am worthy and empowered". 

"I AM A SOVEREIGN BEING AND I TRUST IN EXISTENCE"


With my love & blessings,

Eve Marie

www.tantrabyronbay.com